Post-Modern American Cooking: Hotdog Surprise Soup

Here begins a series of articles I'll be doing from time to time detailing the various kitchen creations that keep my wife and I fed on my more... creative nights. As this is the auspicious first installment, I've chosen to share with you a beloved dish from my childhood: Hotdog Surprise Soup.

(unfortunately, due to a complete lack of foreplanning on my part, I have no images prepared to post with this entry. Instead, I'll be using the closest approximations I can find with Google Image search)

HDSS, as I decided to call it just now, was originally conceived by my father sometime in the early-to-mid-80's. Pop was a former military man and professional musician, so had quite a knack for keeping himself fed when there wasn't a lot to work with.

One night (I remember it well), Pop took it upon himself to make dinner for the family, but because grocery stores had not been invented yet, he could only use what we had in the fridge. An unopened package of hotdogs caught his eye... and a legend was born.

Now, the recipe I'm about to share is slightly altered from the one my father begat all those years ago, but it was borne from the same spirit of laziness and MacGyver-like ingenuity.


Let's get to it, then, shall we?

~*~*~*~

The bowl before you contains a steaming, barf-brown liquid filled with little green specks of broccoli offal, and diced hotdogs surrounded by pale, jerry-curled spaghetti.

You approach it with your spoon steady, wary of whatever dangers may lurk beneath its murky surface. You plunge the utensil in, waiting... waiting.... When nothing yanks it out of your hand, you are somewhat heartened. You lift a spoonful of the steaming sludge to your mouth, close your eyes, and taste...

OW! You burn your mouth. You should have waited for it to cool off first. I TOLD you it was hot! I even used the word "steaming" TWICE! You lose two HP.


INGREDIENTS:


4 Hotdogs (5 if they're short)



8 cups of Water



4 packages of Beef Flavor Oodles of Noodles

(if you don't have Oodles of Noodles, you'll need 3 Beef Bouillon Cubes instead, along with the noodles of your choice -- but I'm going to assume that, if you're even considering making this, you're likely to have some Oodles of Noodles lying around)




1 cube of Vegetable Flavor Soup Seasoning





1 package of Frozen Vegetable Soup Mix

1 package of Frozen Asian Vegetable Mix
(or Stir Fry Vegetable Mix)
(or any two packages of frozen vegetables you want, really)


Creole Seasoning
(if you don't have creole seasoning, shoot yourself)

Yeah, that'll do.

~*~*~*~

STEP 1
Fill a medium saucepan up about 2/3rds with water and set it on the stove. Drop the hotdogs in.

If the hotdogs were already thawed, bring the water to a boil, then take them out.

If they were frozen, bring the water to a boil, wait 5 minutes, then take them out.

Dice the hotdogs into whatever shape diced hotdogs make, eating no more than three of the resulting pieces under the auspice of "quality assurance."


STEP 2
Fill a bigass soup pot...

...with 8 cups of water. Set the stove heat to about 7 (Med Hi). Bring to a boil.


STEP 3

While the water heats up, open the Oodles of Noodles packages. Remove the four packets of Beef Flavor seasoning, place them on the side. Also set aside two of the noodle bricks (broken up or intact, your choice).

Take the other two noodle bricks, place them in Ziplock bags, and put them away; you won't be using those this time around.


STEP 4
When you see bubbles forming along the bottom of the pot, but before the water is actually boiling, because you're impatient, drop the frozen vegetables in. Bring to a boil.


STEP 5

Yeah, right. A couple minutes after you put the vegetables in, you start wondering if you should add the seasoning in now while they're still cooking. Nah, you should probly wai-- fuck it, you add the beef seasoning; all four packets of it (be sure to shake the packets out first so that the powder is all packed to one side and doesn't explode all over you when you rip it open).

(it already happened, didn't it?)

At this time, you might as well also add the vegetable cube.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The vegetable (and beef, if you didn't have the Oodles of Noodles) bouillon cubes are incredibly hard and painful to crumble in your fingers. You may want to hammer them into submission first before adding to the soup...

Stir everything up until you're sure no more solid fragments of the cruel bouillon cube remains.





STEP 6
Drink a Gatorade. You're doing hard work.






STEP 7
Let the soup heat up. No, seriously, let it heat up. That shit's gotta cook.

STEP 8
You're hopeless. It's been two minutes. Dump the hotdogs in. Wait a couple more minutes.

At this point, your soup should look nothing like this.

STEP 9
Remember how it says on the outside of the Oodles of Noodles package...

?

That's why we saved the noodles for last. The soup should be close to boiling by now. If it's not, turn the heat up, you haven't got all day. Once it starts to boil, drop the noodles in. Then lower the heat to 5 (Med), cover the pot (if it doesn't have a lid, use tin foil).

Let it cook for about 5 minutes, or until you're tired of waiting.

STEP 10 (Optional)
If the Oodles of Noodles packets didn't season it enough for you, try adding some Creole Seasoning. Not a lot -- you've already got plenty of salt in there. Just enough to get some of that spicy flavor.

Taste your soup to make sure it tastes right.

You burned your mouth again, didn't you?

Dumbass.


AFTERMATH
Remember those two noodle bricks you Ziplocked? Here's the deal... You're gonna love this soup. No, I'm serious, it's like crack. Even my wife agrees. Right honey?



"Yes, dear."





So, when you're ready to make the soup again, instead of picking up more Oodles of Noodles from the grocery store (you have no excuse -- they exist now!), just pick up the beef bouillon cubes to use with the leftover noodles.

Ta daa!


ORIGINAL RECIPE
If you want to do things the old fashioned way, all you really need to do is omit the extra Veggie seasoning cube (which I use because I like the flavor it brings), replace the noodles with frozen french fries (Pop really was a pioneer), and just use a straight frozen veggie soup mix. Oh, and he didn't use the Creole Seasoning. Disgraceful.


Happy cooking!