For most of the week, my wife's parents have been away at a wedding in Las Vegas. Because we're awesome (well... really because SHE's awesome, and I'm a follower), we agreed to bird-sit for them while they're away. This consists of visiting the house once a day and making sure that their birds (two parrots and a cockatoo) get some attention (ie: someone to scream at with impunity) and have their water and food bowls restocked.
Today was to be the day they returned from their trip, so we were doing a last minute check on everything. My wife saw that their pool water was a little low, so she went out back to fill it up, and because that sounded way more rewarding than staying inside with the birdnoise, I followed. So, we're outside, and the door is left open behind us, and the birds start screaming. My initial thought was, "Maybe I should just close the screen door," but once the screams start echoing out into the neighborhood, I think, "Yeesh, maybe I should just close the main door."
So I do.
And the security lock slides into place.
Now the back door is locked. And the front door is locked and dead-bolted, because we came in through the garage door...
...which I closed as soon as we entered the house.
It's noon. RC is still getting over a bad back, and has no shoes on. The birds haven't been fed -- and, because we woke up late, neither have we. And her parents are coming back today... iiiiin about five hours.
We check windows, we check side doors; no good. We decide it's time to call a locksmith.
Now, I was a locksmith dispatcher for two years, and even wrote an article for a local apartment-owners magazine on what to do in JUST this situation. Sadly, that was so long ago that I can't really remember all of my own advice. Luckily, I shouldn't have to! Because I know tons of locksmiths! I can just call my old company and they'll be able to get us back into the house lickety split! Right?
Oh... yeah... except, then I remember how busy they could get over the weekend, and I realize we'll probably be waiting outside for at least an hour. So I just dial 411 and call the first company that's listed in our area.
And when nobody picks up there, I shrug, dial 411 again, and take down the SECOND name that comes up.
It takes about a half-hour for the locksmith to arrive, and when he does, he uses every single trick in the book... EVERY. SINGLE. TRICK... to try to get us for $125.
"Oh, you used to work in the industry? Okay, I'll give you discount. $110."
He tries to explain to me that over time, with the cost of gas and inflation, prices have gone up.
(DOUBLING what it used to cost? What is this, the comic industry?)
He tries to tell me that, because it's a deadbolt, it's much more difficult to pick.
(which is true, but an exaggeration, and never changes the price of a lockout unless you're dealing with a high security lock -- which this wasn't)
After I tell him thanks but no thanks and offer to just pay the service call,
(which is only fair, because that covers the time and gas getting out to us)
he finally... magnanimously... agrees to only charge us $100.
(which is still bullshit, but I'm impatient by now)
When he finally gets his picks in the lock, he rattles them around and puts on a concerted effort to show us just how difficult it is to pick a deadbolt. He even breaks a pick off in the lock, JUST to show us how difficult it is. And he's hoping that, with all the commotion, I won't notice that he's NOT PUTTING ANY PRESSURE ON THE TENSION WRENCH. AT ALL.
~*~*~*~
For those who don't know, there are two essential pieces to a lock-pick set. One is the pick itself.
The other is the tension wrench.
Without going into too much detail, while one hand is raking the keyhole with the pick, the other is supposed to keep constant pressure on the tension wrench. That way, when the lock finally pops, the barrel will turn before the pins fall back into place.
With no tension, you can rake the pins all you want, but you're not opening the lock.
~*~*~*~
"Oh, this lock is too old. I might have to drill."
I know these games. I had to deal with them for two years. I know locksmiths who are so charismatic that they can make you feel completely at ease paying $200 for two minutes of work, and leave you with a smile, a business card, and all the confidence in the world that you'll never call another locksmith again.
This guy was not that. This guy was not only bad at his job, he was bad at faking it.
In the end, I paid him the $45 service call ($10 more than what we charged four years ago, but whatever) and sent him on his way.
Then I called my old company.
"Hi, how much for a lockout today?"
"$65."
We wait another hour-and-a-half. When the guy shows up, we recognize each other. We exchange pleasantries. He sticks a dummy key in the lock, taps it with the end of a screw driver, and the door pops right open.
"You used to work for them."
"Yeah."
"And you're letting them charge you $65?"
"S'better than the alternative."
We shake hands, he drives away, and I feel monumentally stupid for not calling them in the first place.
And that was our day. We ate breakfast at 5:30 in the afternoon. It was Outback Steakhouse. We felt we'd earned it.
I'm gonna end this post with the lockout article I wrote back in 2006. I've updated it a little bit, and removed references to being a landlord, but otherwise, it's pretty much unchanged from its original publication. If you want a fun drinking game, try taking a shot every time you see a piece of my own advice I didn't follow...
~*~*~*~
"Dude. Where're my Keys..?"
After you've finished reading this piece, here's what I want you to do. Print it out, fold it up and put it in your wallet. Because, when you need this article, it will be locked inside the house, and you'll be outside, kicking yourself for not following the advice in the first paragraph.
Now that that’s out of the way… you‘re locked out. The first and most important step is to NOT PANIC. This sort of thing happens to the best of us and is no reason for anyone to lose their cool.
Second step, go try the obvious alternatives. Back door? Windows? If you've taken your home security seriously, these might be too secure to sneak back into. Good for you! (Now might be the time to start thinking about investing in a store-a-key box or something of the sort to keep outside so you don't get caught in the same predicament twice.)
If step two doesn't pan out, get your hands on a phone book and a telephone. Don't worry if you're standing at a pay-phone in a bathrobe and boxer shorts (what were you doing outside dressed like that, anyway?) and have no money on you; most locksmiths have an 800 number that costs nothing to dial. If you’re lucky enough to be locked out with your cell-phone, just dial 411 and ask for a locksmith in your area.
Whether the locked door is on a house, an apartment or an automobile, these tips should help guide you through your moment of need:
- The locksmith you choose should be licensed, bonded, and police-permitted. These are the legal requirements all locksmiths must meet before they are allowed to practice the trade (though some try to slip past them).
- When you speak to the locksmith, the first question you ask should be if they are local to your area. This doesn't necessarily mean they will have an office in your neck of the woods; most locksmiths venture far from their main office in the course of a day. This is how they get work. However, the proximity of the van to the location of the lockout can be the difference between a $55 charge and a $155 charge. (The time of day will also effect the price you're quoted. Later will usually mean more expensive, but keep your eyes open for the golden deal. It's out there!)
- Get at least three different quotes. Play them off of each other. Try to get the best deal you can. Remember, EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE.
- Some locksmiths will ask you for a credit card number. This is a security measure to make sure you'll still be there when they arrive. If you don't feel comfortable giving out your information (or if that's locked inside as well, etc.), simply reassure them that your only option is to stay where you are and wait for them. If you've offered them every possible reassurance and they still want your credit card number, their van is probably nowhere near you and you should call another company anyway.
- Lastly, if this is an emergency (child locked inside, oven left on), please call the police or fire department. As much as a locksmith wants your business, they are not willing to accept responsibility for your house burning down just because they were caught in traffic.
If you follow these steps, you should find yourself safely inside your home (or car) and out of the cold in no time. Now, aren't you glad you followed the advice in the first paragraph?
~*~*~*~
Happy Easter.
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