Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Post-Modern American Cooking Quickie: The Blossamwich

Sometimes, a baller on the go has no time for long, drawn out recipes with their lists of ingredients and cooking times and attention to detail. For those times, you need something quick, satisfying, and most of all, utterly absurd.

For those times, you need The Blossamwich.


First, you toast two slices of any bread of your choosing (I usually prefer wheat bread because it helps me fool myself into thinking I’m eating healthy).

Then comes the cold cuts. My meat of choice is Boar’s Head’s new low sodium lemon pepper chicken breast, which is DAMN tasty, and, again, low sodium! We’re eatin’ right.

Take a decent helping of the meat (say four or five slices) and lay it on one side of the toasted bread.

Next, you bust out some 2% milk swiss cheese...

Say whaaat? Healthy like a muthafuck!

...and lay that on top of the chicken. (Depending on where you got the swiss, the slices may be long enough that you can tear them in two and overlap them; otherwise, you’ll want two slices.)

So you’ve got your toasted wheat bread, your low sodium chicken breast, and your low fat swiss cheese.

Next comes the Onion Blossom.

It's... looking at me, Ray...

This is where my delusion shatters like a piƱata, spilling deep-fried cholesterol bliss over all the happy children.

Yeah, that’s right, I said Onion Blossom. You know… like the ones you get at Outback? The ‘Bloomin’ Onion’? Mmmm, they’re so delicious, aren't they? If ever a gift was sent down from the heavens just for the onion lovers of the world, it’s this. And the sauce it comes with? Holy god, it’s like a zesty orange dollup of unadulterated nirvana! Onion blossoms are amazing.

But they’re also big. Sure, a whole table of people could wipe one out in mere minutes… but at a table for two? You’re not halfway through the thing before your stomach is packing its bags and grousing about how it should have listened to Mother. Onion blossoms are not a two-person appetizer. And usually, when you’ve had your fill (and then some) you just throw the rest away, right? Such a waste.

Well, not anymore.

You take that sucker home -- not forgetting to ask for a small container of extra orange blossomsauce...

(rhymes with Awesomesauce)

...and you keep it in the fridge until the day you are ready for The Blossamwich.

Today is that day.

Slap down a layer of leftover onion strips on top of the cheese and pop that bitch in the microwave, open faced, for one minute on high.

This will melt the cheese and heat up the onions -- and somehow, the bread stays dry and crispy!


Final step: Pour on as much of the blossomsauce as you want (I would suggest a generous helping; too little and the flavor will be drowned out by everything else).

Aww, the Predator bled all over my sandwich!

Close it with the other slice of bread...

...and your masterpiece is complete.

Embrace it as a brother. Enjoy it like a lover.

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