Letting That Character Go

Okay, this one is for the gamer geeks... or the people who are curious about the way a gamer geek's mind works.

Or the people who THINK they're gamer geeks and need a serious re-evaluation of their gamer geek status... as well as, possibly, their lives.

I've been involved in the same ongoing Dungeons & Dragons campaign for the last six years.

...man, look at you all scatter.

For those who don't know, Dungeons & Dragons (or D&D) is a table-top role-playing game. What that means is, simply, a group of people sit around a table with some pens, some paper, and some dice. One of them, the Dungeon Master (DM) creates a story to tell -- sort of like a choose-your-own-adventure book -- and everyone else creates a character to play, who will live through the events of the story.

Imagine your favorite movie. The DM is the bad-guy, the supporting cast, and the world-shattering events... the players are the heroes.

The DM is Sauron, Saruman and an entire army of orcs... the players are the fellowship of the ring.

The DM is Darth Vader, the empire, and the ewoks... the players are Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie.

Make sense?

Okay.

I've been playing one of these games for six years.

It has been, at turns, the most riveting, mind-blowing, frustrating, emotionally draining, and creatively satisfying experience of my life, so far. In many ways, it has been like a marriage; albeit one of creative synergy. I imagine it must be like the writers room experience on a great TV show. Except, in this, we are the writers, the actors, the directors, and composers. Six people sitting around a table to tell a story together, feeding off each other's ideas and passion to create something singular and amazing. I have had the privilege of sitting along side five of the most talented writers and actors to never see screen or print.

Certain creative professionals often talk about those projects that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. The ones they felt lucky and blessed to have been a part of. Peter Jackson & Co. have the Lord of the Rings... Joss Whedon & Co. have Firefly... Simon Pegg & Co. have Spaced...

We have this. And we didn't even get paid for it.

The game is going to be ending soon. In a matter of months. Two of us are moving to another state (that'd be me and RC), two of us are getting married, and the DM is preparing to draw to a close the story he's been building in his head since he was a kid.

Our characters have been put through every dramatic wringer imaginable -- and if you'd ever doubt how much of a strain that can be on the player, imagine the work of every actor who's ever shed real, honest tears for the camera, just to make that fictional scene as real as possible. We can go through that every time we play, except the audience is only ourselves. We're not performing for the millions, we're performing for the six. Our reward is the creative charge, the inspiration, the knowledge that, as storytellers, we can give as good as we get.

I don't know that ANY gaming experience has ever been as intense as this one has been for us. There are times when I feel like we take it a little TOO seriously. We place too much weight on the outcome. We can fight and argue and offend each other while discussing the most insignificant of details. We've had screaming matches -- actual screaming matches -- about the exact wording of a rule. There have been tears shed over the outcome of a dice roll. There are times we've gone WAY beyond reason and far over the falls of depression, because this fictional universe was just a little too real for us.

Sometimes, we have to step back and remind ourselves that it really is just a game... that the level of unhappiness it can breed is often far outweighed by the joy we feel between spats. We remember that we love this thing. That we only fight because we care so much about the story and the characters.

Like I said, it's like a marriage.

And it's ending soon.

I've already said goodbye to one character -- yes, in this game, we have left the main characters behind to play entirely new ones, because you don't just follow Frodo and Sam all the way to Mordor... Aragorn and Gimli have to have their say too -- and the feeling is bittersweet. Like any writer would, I had to get inside this guy's head, get inside his heart, and figure out exactly what made him tick... and though I played him the LEAST amount of time, I still get that hollow feeling when I think about not playing him again.

His name was Caid. He was a musician, and during the game just prior to the one where his part in the story ended, he played, literally, the performance of his life.

One of the many things that makes our game special is the emphasis that's placed on music. The DM combs meticulously through his music collection to compile a list of songs that complement not only the characters, but the scenes, the themes, and the overall arch of the story. Each character has their own band (or bands) to act as their musical "voice", and during the game, the effect is often like living inside a movie with the perfect score. Our DM uses music the way an expert filmmaker would -- to touch the audience on a level that the action and dialogue can't. It makes the experience that much more rewarding.

For Caid's final performance, I was challenged to compile the list of the songs he would play. What I put together seemed to tell a story at the time, but it wasn't until after the game that I realized that, in their way, the songs actually told the story of Caid's life. It was a brief life, for reasons only five other people know.

This is the list of songs I've been sharing with you.

Hope you enjoy them.

And a special thanks to Dave Grohl and Tim Reynolds for giving Caid his voice.

I’m in love with… Karen O

Even if you haven’t heard of her, you’ve almost certainly heard her. If not singing with her band, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, then with her side band, Native Korean Rock, on the Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack as Karen O And The Kids, contributing vocals to songs by groups like The Flaming Lips and N.A.S.A., or making her own music, like the song featured in this Adidas commercial by Spike Jonze:

Since entering the public eye with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' critically-lauded debut album, “Fever To Tell,” she’s become something of a Renaissance Person. Aside from her various musical pursuits, she has also tried her hand at directing music videos, and serves as a makeshift guinea-pig/fashion model for her designer friend Christian Joy.

That’s all well and good, but OUR sordid love affair started when I saw the music video for the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s song “MAPS”. I’d been a fan of the song ever since it hit the radio waves back in 2003, but it wasn’t until recently that I actually thought to seek out the video on YouTube. Everything that follows, does so because of this...

Echoes of Sinead O’Conner’s “Nothing Compares To You” video notwithstanding, this video truly captivated me. There’s something happening with her right there on camera that can’t be faked -- and you can tell, because she tries. She stands her ground with an admirable “the show must go on” resolve, but seems to rely on the carefully considered and choreographed motions of her performance to carry her through. Maybe because if she surrenders to the music, she might just lose herself completely. And even as the sadness wells up and the tears start flowing, she soldiers on to the end. This lead singer is laid emotionally bare for everyone in the world to see; immortalized at perhaps the most vulnerable of moments. It's real, and it's raw, and it's fascinating.

Now, this could just be a byproduct of my being a typical guy suffering from a terminal case of Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome, but the minute you show me a woman in tears, you’ve pretty much got my attention for the duration. It doesn’t hurt that the woman in question is captivating in her own right. Unconventionally beautiful (of mixed Korean and Polish descent) and apparently unafraid of baring her soul on stage -- or in this case, on film.

So, I did some research. First into the origins of the song, but that eventually became research into the band themselves, and that led to a dawning infatuation with the woman up front. Eventually, I found this video, which sealed the deal:

Look at that smile. Listen to that voice. The little dance she does. The way she gives herself over to the music, just enjoying the hell out of herself.

I was smitten.

(as was Letterman, it would appear)

I started watching every video I could find, and I soon discovered that the Letterman performance was only the tip of the iceberg. During the band’s live shows, without the expectations and regulations of network television, Karen O becomes like a force of nature. Raw, uninhibited, even playful. She owns the stage, and she owns the audience.

And, it all makes perfect sense once you understand...

...she’s fucking crazy.

See, it’s Karen O’s philosophy that, at a Yeah Yeahs show, the audience should be able to lose themselves in the music. Just completely go with the flow, the way she does! Problem is, she knows that most people have insecurities about letting themselves go in the company of strangers. Always worrying about what the person next to them might think. So, she takes the stage wearing the most colorful, garish, outlandish costumes that one could imagine; alternatingly sexy as hell or laughably ridiculous (sometimes both).

She does this, not to shock the audience, but to free them. They see her on stage, completely unafraid, dressed like a piece of living pop-art, and they feel less worried about themselves. Less restrained. Why worry about the person next to you when all eyes are on her?

This philosophy does not end at her fashion sense, either. In the course of a show, she flails, she screeches, she spits water at the crowd, breathlessly converses with them, and generally makes an unbridled spectacle of herself. If you were to combine the most notable exploits of Joan Jet, Iggy Pop, David Bowie, and Elvis Presley, you might start to get an idea of what this woman is like on stage. A true modern day rocker goddess. You watch her just to see what she’s going to do next, because you never know when it’ll be this…


Of course, this isn’t her ONLY stage persona. She seems to shift facades with each project she takes on. Sure, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Karen O is a total wild-card, but Native Korean Rock Karen O is a much tamer creature...

And then there’s Where The Wild Things Are Karen O...

...who’s just adorable.

Now, before you start worrying that I’m about to leave my wife to run off and spend the rest of my days as a groupie lapping at the heels of Miss O, let me assure you…

I’ve only considered it once.

But I love my wife more than life itself, and no matter how many strange and gorgeous celebrities throw themselves at me in my daydreams, I would never even think of leaving her side.

Besides, even if I had a chance with Karen O, I don’t think I would take it. Truth be told...

...she scares me a little.

My admiration stems only from a place of… well, admiration! As an artist. I feel like I can follow this woman anywhere. She’s a pure entertainer, and whatever project she takes on next, I know she’ll make it interesting.

Hawt.